I can go months being ‘normal’… yes, I always have my quirks – my projects, my excited childlike ways, my down moments, but I can deal with them all because as a whole, I am normal. I fit in with the rest of society and other than the people close to me, no one really notices the quirks. Then, I fall, I fall hard. There’s not one specific thing, in fact if there is a trigger this time, then this trigger seems so pathetic it’s unreal. The hard thing is, no matter how pathetic, you can’t change the way you feel. You can’t stop that feeling, you can’t just feel better. People don’t realise how much something they say or do can affect someone else so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong believer of making your own happiness. Whatever has been said or done, no one else is to blame for the way I feel. It’s up to me to change how I feel. The problem is, with my head, it’s not that easy.
This has been coming for a few weeks now, I just hoped I’d get through, knowing I was borderline an episode, and brush past it. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to have happened. I’m ok, much better now than I was last week. Maybe that’s why I feel I can write something now – I don’t know. I have so many racing thoughts in my head and so much going on that I cant straighten them all out. I’m trying, I’m trying real hard. I know it’s hard for the people close to me to deal with me like this. It’s hard for me too. I just have to keep reminding myself that those normal days will be back soon. I probably still seem normal to most people. I’ve admitted to a couple of friends that I’m not quite right at the minute. That’s hard in itself. I said to someone the other day, I wish I could say ‘I’ve got another migraine’ or ‘my backs really playing up today’. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want either of those things wrong with me. But if that was why I didn’t want to go out or I couldn’t cope with life, people would just accept it and move on. When you say ‘my mental ness is worse today’ or ‘I just can’t handle it all today’ people expect you to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and crack on. I try that and usually succeed but sometimes it’s impossible. Just like it would be impossible to just get rid of your migraine. I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but it’s helping me to write it down so hey ho!
Maybe I’m over it now, maybe it’ll get worse before it gets better? I don’t know – but I am looking forward to getting out of this feeling!