I’m having one of those days, one of those few days. I’m hoping this feeling is going to pass but at the minute it doesn’t feel like it. I know the reasons, I know the triggers and I know that I need to sort things out, let other things go and stop running away from problems. I’m sensible, I know all of this. But today it’s hard. Life is hard. I’m having one of those days when you feel like everyone thinks you’re useless, like you’re a bad person and like you don’t deserve happiness. Deep down I know that isn’t true and if someone told me all of that I would shout them down because I know it’s not true. But today, I feel it.
I feel like everyone could be better without me. I feel like a burden and I feel like in order for me to get better and be ok I have to rely on people that love me to help me. Why should they? Why can’t I just be a normal person that can live life and get through it without constantly needing help and support from others to clean up my shit. It’s such a horrible feeling. I’m asking for the help, slowly, I am explaining and trying to sort things. That doesn’t make it any easier though. It takes so much guts to admit that you’ve messed up again and to ask for help to sort it out. So much guilt runs through me, so much sorrow and self pity. That doesn’t help – I know that. On the outside I seem completely normal. I don’t break down, not like I’m doing inside.
I don’t know what the answers are. I’m tired of it. I thought I was ok. Every time I think I’m ok, one silly thing happens that most people just get on with. Not me, I can’t just get on with it. It breaks me and I have to get help and support to come out of it quickly before I descend into the darkness of my own mind. It’s so so horrible.
The worst thing about me is that I make it worse for myself. I often create the stress. I need a thousand things going on, then when they’re all in full swing, I can’t handle them. I just wish I could stop all of this. I wish I could stop thinking, just for a day or two. I hate it all right now. I have everything to live for and amazing things are happening in my life. I have wonderful people around me and any normal person would really never be complaining. So why? Why can I not cope? Why do I feel like life is so hard? Why? Because I’m ill. Because I’m always going to be ill. I’m always going to have something wrong with me that makes me not normal. I thought I was getting used to that, accepting it. It seems I’m not 😦