That’s rights, I’m officially off of all medication. After taking my first lot of tablets and wanting to kill myself, the doc changed them. The next lot of tablets helped me to put on two and a half stone in four months so I got them changed. To be fair these were probably the best ones but I couldn’t cope with the weight gain. So he changed my tablets – wonderful. This last lot made me want to crawl out of my own skin. I can only imagine that I felt how a heroine addict feels when they need their next hit, only I needed the hit out of my system. It was a horrible horrible feeling that I never ever want to experience again.
So, the doc has allowed me to stop all medication for three weeks to see how I go. The thing is I know that I’ll be fine. I’m not quite normal and I don’t cope very well with money mainly but I’ve spent my life being like that so I know I’ll get through just fine. The second lot of tablets made it ok for me to open bills and meant I didn’t waste money on bingo sites, which I didn’t know was possible, but if that’s my biggest problem then surely I can deal with that – especially as I have loved ones around me that are willing to help and support me. If it means I have to be given an allowance rather than looking after my own money and get someone else to pay the bills for me, do I really need meds. Can I not go about it all another way? Yes I love more, I feel more, I get more anxious, but hey that’s the only me I know so I can handle that!
The only thing that kept me taking those meds was the thought of another manic episode where I destroy my life. I couldn’t deal with that. I’m finding out my triggers, I’m asking family to help watch out for signs, maybe I will be ok. Maybe I won’t need meds. Or maybe I will be able to go years without them until someone has to March me down to the doctors or worse to the hospital to get my latest episode sorted. So long as I can trust people to do this, I’d rather stay off meds and just be, well…. me!