Ok, so I’ve read a lot about what can trigger episodes in bipolar, be it manic or depression. I have tried to go over the past 11-12 years, really thinking about when I have had an episode and what may have caused it. The first one is simple, my dad died. That’s an obvious thing that seems to have triggered this whole bipolar being! Then it gets patchy. I can see that another time was when I had a very tough time at work, that’s what I can put it down to. The others, I just don’t know and most importantly, this latest one, the mother of all manic episodes which caused me to turn my life upside down. I have no idea what set it off.
I had just moved house. I wonder if this could be it. I have moved house lots of times, then I try to think if I had episodes at those times. I just don’t know. I was stressed at work – now I know this could be one. I wasn’t that stressed though, was I? One thing I read was that smell can affect you. I started wearing a new perfume around this time – strange but true – could it be that? I try to think what it could be and really I don’t know. Did I just feel so fed up and unloved – not that that’s fair to say because that absolutely wasn’t the case but did my bipolar get the better of me and thought this but instead of dooming into depression I decided to go manic and run away from life? I so wish I knew, but I don’t. All I know is that from now on I have to speak up and say if something’s bothering me and I have to try to avoid being too stressed – easy to say!
I say I’ve moved a few times, that’s a little trait of mine – I seem to like to move. I don’t know why. Another little trait of mine is buying new cars. When I say new cars, they’re old ones lol but I seem to get a new one every six months or so. This last one I’ve had about a yer and it’s almost a record for me! These things, I don’t know if they’re me or if they’re my bipolar. The fact that I don’t crave a new car at the minute – is that because I like my car or because I’m on tablets to stop me wanting new cars?! I also go from small engines to save petrol to big engines cause I have a need for speed. I wonder whether these times and some sort of mania or hypermania wanting the speed? I just don’t know.
As you can see, I question a lot. Not in an anxious obsessive way, just because I never want to be that person again so I try to understand myself and my mental health in order to control that. Hopefully I will work out past episodes and the how and the why’s in time. Maybe therapy will help. I shall see…