I think I’m feeling normal. I question what normal is a lot nowadays but at the moment I think I’m feeling normal. There’s definitely a depressed side of me shining through now and again but for the majority of the time I feel normal…ish. I presume this means my tablets are kind of working. I wonder whether different tablets or a different strength would take the depressed side away too – that would be good but I would also be scared to change my tablets if I was told to in case I felt worse. This is better than I have been lately.
When I got my diagnoses, almost two months ago, I really forced myself to think of it as the chemicals in my brain not being quite right and the tablets will sort that problem. Just like taking my asthma pump helps me breathe. The thing is, recently I have started to really realise that taking tablets for mental health issues really is very very different to most illnesses. I am taking these tablets to make me more normal but there is the fear that they will then take away parts of my personality. I have always been a little crazy, a little different to most people. I like that most of the time and I worry that I will lose that in time when my medication is fully working. I wonder if I will.
My mum told me she thought I had bipolar when I was about 19. I dismissed her, I didn’t want to believe there was anything wrong with me. Looking back, I wonder what sort of person I would be now had I got that diagnosis back then. I wonder if decisions I have made would have been the same or whether I would have ended up being a totally different person. In the same way, I wonder what I will be in a few years time. Will I still be me or will I be a dull, boring person that is zombified by tablets through fear of going off the rails. I wonder a lot of things, this I wonder a lot though. Who will I be? Will I react differently to things, will it be better or worse, who knows?
So, for now I will enjoy feeling normal ish and carry on as I am doing…