Bipolar

Ruled by your head or you heart? 

This is what I spent a lot of yesterday thinking. The real me is definitely a girl that is ruled by her heart. I don’t use my head, I follow my heart. Some people may think that’s wrong, I think it’s nice, it’s better and I love the fact that I’m like it. 

The problem I have is that my head is messed up and it seems that unfortunately my head can over rule my heart when I am having episodes. That is a horrible thought. I’m not even sure my head wins, my usual head wouldn’t do the things I did, my messed up head seems to rule my life when it wants to. I don’t like that. It’s like it takes over me, it deletes me and my personality and my whole being and I become something I would never want to be, someone I detest and someone that I would hate. That’s an awful feeling. Knowing that my messed up head has so much power over me is so hurtful and so so scary. So I take another pill in desperate hope that if I keep taking these pills I will never become that monster again. I trust those around me and beg them to watch me, not just today, not just for this week, not even just this year but for the whole of my life. To watch me, to assess me, to make sure I don’t turn again. That’s a lot of responsibility and a lot to ask from people. Unfortunately, being close to me now means that is what is needed from these people. How horrible for them. I don’t like putting pressure on people, I don’t like asking for things, I don’t like it at all. Yet I have to ask these things from them to make me a better person. This way my heart can lead my life, I like that idea…

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