Why are there so many down days? I wonder if it’s because I have been so happy and so excited by everything for a few months that now everything just seems so so sad and boring. I don’t know. I know that a lot of my time is spent worrying and hating myself for what I’ve done and how much I have ruined my life and hurt people over the past few months. I know I need to stop worrying about that. I am trying my best to make it better but I can’t help it.
To know that it has been possible for me to hurt the people closest to me and ruin my life is a horrible thought – I never want to do that again. That is the one thing keeping me going, making me take my tablets every day. Knowing that I don’t ever want to do that again. I hope these tablets work, I hope I never go through that again. If I had been on drugs or had been drinking the whole time it would make it all easier. To know that my own brain just turned on me is an awful thought. I am annoyed with my own brain – annoyed that it turned on me, annoyed that I let it and annoyed that I do not have enough strength inside me to sort it out without the need for meds. Why me? That’s a question I keep asking myself at the minute.
I’m also fighting the thought that I am actually mental. I have mental health issues. I can’t believe it – on the outside I seem so normal. To think that I am actually a crazy person is hard. To know that people may say ‘oh yea the woman with bipolar’, ‘the mental one’, ‘the crazy one’ that’s horrible. That’s what makes me scared to tell people. The thought that in the future family members will be discussing me, has she been taking her tablets, did she seem ok to you, do you think she’s having an episode – that’s horrible too. I have to trust those people though because my brain isn’t trustworthy.
I seem to spend each day looking at how early I can go to bed without it being unacceptable. How early I can shut off from the world again and just sleep. I like my sleep at the moment. I’m hoping that happier days will come soon. I will keep hoping.