Another day is nearly done. I spent most of today doubting every decision I made and wondering if everyone I spoke to thought I was crazy! There’s something about being told you have mental health problems that makes you feel very mental, even if you didn’t feel it before! Apparently I have been this way for over a decade, yet it’s the past few days that I have felt mental, not the past decade! Ok, so there have been times in the past when I knew my reactions weren’t quite right but I just thought I was unique – seems that unique is crazy!
I wonder whether other people doubt my decisions… is it my decision or the bipolar decision. I’m sure I know the difference but I am still doubting myself sometimes, so how can I expect anyone else to trust my mind when even I can’t all of the time?
I still have my sense of calmness, with a little agitation now and again. The agitation part is annoying, but it’s not too bad. I wonder what’s next? I wonder whether I will be ok for a while, whether I am sinking into a depression or whether I’ll flip into another manic episode. I’m hoping I will be ok for a while, anything else is too exhausting at the moment.
I’m trying to deal with things that have happened over the past few months, things that I have done. I have to take one day at a time… it’s hard, remembering what you’ve done, realising how you have affected other people so badly and not knowing how to make it all better. That’s a horrible feeling. I will keep trying.