Ok… So today is the second day since I found out that my crazy personality is not just a crazy personality – it’s bipolar! I’m yet to find out exactly which sort of bipolar. I have spent the past couple of days wondering if this is normal me, depressed me or manic me and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t know normal me really. I have been this way since I was 19, bipolar me is all I know!
I’ve also worked out that I am scared – so so scared. I am scared to make decisions in case they are bipolar decisions. I am scared that people will start to think they can make decisions for me because they can blame my bipolar if they don’t like my decision. I’m scared that everyone thinks I’m nuts, I’m scared that my illness will become an excuse, which I desperately don’t want. I’m scared that I will go more nuts because I think I’m nuts and I am scared that I am taking these tablets that will stabilise me and that maybe soon I won’t recognise myself. What if I’m boring without bipolar? What if I am just a bog standard, normal person? I’m not used to that and neither are the people closest to me.
Either way, I have to wait it out to work out and find out who I am. That’s all I can do for now. So, that’s me for today – that’s my thoughts and feelings. I weirdly have a strange sense of calmness about me considering all of this fear is inside me. I like this calmness, I hope it’s stays for a bit.