I’m having one of those days, one of those few days. I’m hoping this feeling is going to pass but at the minute it doesn’t feel like it. I know the reasons, I know the triggers and I know that I need to sort things out, let other things go and stop running away from problems. I’m sensible, I know all of this. But today it’s hard. Life is hard. I’m having one of those days when you feel like everyone thinks you’re useless, like you’re a bad person and like you don’t deserve happiness. Deep down I know that isn’t true and if someone told me all of that I would shout them down because I know it’s not true. But today, I feel it.
I feel like everyone could be better without me. I feel like a burden and I feel like in order for me to get better and be ok I have to rely on people that love me to help me. Why should they? Why can’t I just be a normal person that can live life and get through it without constantly needing help and support from others to clean up my shit. It’s such a horrible feeling. I’m asking for the help, slowly, I am explaining and trying to sort things. That doesn’t make it any easier though. It takes so much guts to admit that you’ve messed up again and to ask for help to sort it out. So much guilt runs through me, so much sorrow and self pity. That doesn’t help – I know that. On the outside I seem completely normal. I don’t break down, not like I’m doing inside.
I don’t know what the answers are. I’m tired of it. I thought I was ok. Every time I think I’m ok, one silly thing happens that most people just get on with. Not me, I can’t just get on with it. It breaks me and I have to get help and support to come out of it quickly before I descend into the darkness of my own mind. It’s so so horrible.
The worst thing about me is that I make it worse for myself. I often create the stress. I need a thousand things going on, then when they’re all in full swing, I can’t handle them. I just wish I could stop all of this. I wish I could stop thinking, just for a day or two. I hate it all right now. I have everything to live for and amazing things are happening in my life. I have wonderful people around me and any normal person would really never be complaining. So why? Why can I not cope? Why do I feel like life is so hard? Why? Because I’m ill. Because I’m always going to be ill. I’m always going to have something wrong with me that makes me not normal. I thought I was getting used to that, accepting it. It seems I’m not 😦
That’s rights, I’m officially off of all medication. After taking my first lot of tablets and wanting to kill myself, the doc changed them. The next lot of tablets helped me to put on two and a half stone in four months so I got them changed. To be fair these were probably the best ones but I couldn’t cope with the weight gain. So he changed my tablets – wonderful. This last lot made me want to crawl out of my own skin. I can only imagine that I felt how a heroine addict feels when they need their next hit, only I needed the hit out of my system. It was a horrible horrible feeling that I never ever want to experience again.
So, the doc has allowed me to stop all medication for three weeks to see how I go. The thing is I know that I’ll be fine. I’m not quite normal and I don’t cope very well with money mainly but I’ve spent my life being like that so I know I’ll get through just fine. The second lot of tablets made it ok for me to open bills and meant I didn’t waste money on bingo sites, which I didn’t know was possible, but if that’s my biggest problem then surely I can deal with that – especially as I have loved ones around me that are willing to help and support me. If it means I have to be given an allowance rather than looking after my own money and get someone else to pay the bills for me, do I really need meds. Can I not go about it all another way? Yes I love more, I feel more, I get more anxious, but hey that’s the only me I know so I can handle that!
The only thing that kept me taking those meds was the thought of another manic episode where I destroy my life. I couldn’t deal with that. I’m finding out my triggers, I’m asking family to help watch out for signs, maybe I will be ok. Maybe I won’t need meds. Or maybe I will be able to go years without them until someone has to March me down to the doctors or worse to the hospital to get my latest episode sorted. So long as I can trust people to do this, I’d rather stay off meds and just be, well…. me!
So, I went see my psycho doc a couple of weeks ago. He eventually agreed to change my tablets after I explained that I’d put on 2 and a half stone in four months and I was more irritable than I had been before tablets. I still haven’t taken my new tablets – I’ll be getting them today. I was too scared. I weened myself off of the other ones as the doctor had explained to do but I haven’t yet even got the prescription for the new ones. Knowing that something will change the chemicals in my brain again is scary. I don’t know whether they’ll change for better or for worse. I’m taking the gamble today – I’ll be starting my tablets. Right now at this second though, I am not on tablets. I can feel the difference. I definitely feel much more normal than I’ve felt in a while but I realise that my normal isn’t always good. I know I’m feeling too much, thinking too much, stressing too much. So I know I need to give these tablets a go. It’s not like I can’t cope like this – I have liked like this for the past 12-13 years, I can cope very well. I prefer that feeling of well, not so much feeling though. I’ll let you know how I get on 🙂
So… last week was the first of three group therapy sessions. I didn’t think it would go well and guess what… it didn’t! It’s not for me – that’s all I can say and I honestly don’t think it will help me in any way at all. It took everything inside me not to stand up shouting ‘this is bollocks’! Please excuse me language but that is honestly, exactly how I felt at the time! It seems that others in there felt exactly the same! Needless to say, I won’t be returning.
Today was my psycho doc meeting – I have now learnt that he’s a psychiatrist – weirdly no one ever actually explained that. He’s the psycho doc to me! I told him how these tables had made me put on two and a half stone in four months and that I was more snappy and irritable than I have ever been. After chatting a bit (about a load of rubbish) he agreed to change my tablets. So now, I change my tablets and I wait to see what these ones do – fingers crossed they will just keep me normal! Back to the old ‘only time will tell’! I’ll keep you updated…
Wow, it has been longer than I thought since my last blog. I have spent the past few weeks feeling pretty normal and trying to get back into normal life without fixating on the fact that I have a problem. In doing that, I have found it hard to sit down and write about how I feel as it brings it all back to me and makes me feel crazy.
So, like I say, I have been feeling myself again I’m not sure that’s good as apparently myself is a little crazy but hey the doctors are assessing me, I suppose I just have to trust them. I’m two and a half stone heavier than when I started my tablets so they are looking to change them as the thought of putting on more weight is awful.
Well, today I have a group therapy session. Apparently I have to attend three of these in order to get a full assessment – great! I’m not sure what is going to be like and just the thought of attending them has reminded me that I’m not quite right – a reminder I could do without! I’m a little apprehensive about it and quite honestly I don’t think it’s going to help. I have gone my whole adult life living as me so I am used to it – I know I need a project, I know I love and feel more than most. I know I get it rated with stressful sitatuions. These things I don’t feel like I need to deal with. I know how to deal with them – I have been dealing with them forever. The only help I want is to ensure that I don’t have another ‘episode’ like the last – or like any. I don’t ever want that feeling again. I don’t want to ruin my life and others – ever again. Unfortunately it’s not that easy. They can’t just stop that without me having to attend these things. So, I shall go and I shall see what comes of it. Until then…
It’s really hard to write a post about being mental when you’re trying so hard to be normal! I had a bad couple of weeks. I can honestly say that at times I truly did not want to be on this planet. I’m feeling better now.
After a fight to see the doctor he finally changed my tablets and I really am starting to feel better which is great! The doctor still has no clue who I am and I had a call to ask why I didn’t turn up to my appointment. The same appointment that the doctor changed my tablets and gave me a letter to take to my go. I had proof that I’d been. They just have no idea who I am. It’s hard because I have to trust these people with my brain – my thoughts, my processes. Scary when they can’t remember seeing you. Anyway – I’m getting over that now!
So, I’ve bought a motorbike and a new car. When I say new, it’s old lol but hey it’s new for me! I’m sure this is a mood disorder problem of mine. I have had about 20 cats in ten years – I go through stages of wanting speed then wanting sensible. Anyway, I’ve given up my 2.4 Audi for a sensible 1.6 sport ka! Bit different I know. I tried not to change my car even though I was itching too because I am sure that this is part of my ‘problem’ then I figured that I’m not hurting anyone by doing it and it’ll make me feel better, if only for a couple of hours! And it has! Maybe even a couple of days!!
So, I don’t know what’s going on with me at the minute. I’m still waiting to find out about therapy and stuff, about three months on, we shall see what they come up with!
I haven’t posted for a good few days now… why? I just didn’t feel I was able to without posting the most depressing stuff! I had my psycho docs appointment on Wednesday. It didn’t go too well. The lady who is normal with the doc wasn’t there and to be honest the doctor didn’t seem to have a clue who I was. It felt like I’d waited about six weeks for nothing. I thought I’d get some more answers – no – nothing.
I called the lady I usually speak to the next day. I don’t know what she is. I think she’s my support worker or something – no one explains this stuff very clearly. Anyway, I explained to her that my racing thoughts were back and Ive never felt as down as I have since being on these silly tablets. She was going to speak to the doctor and call me back. No call back. I tried to call – nhs systems were down, I didn’t speak to her.
Friday evening I called 111 – they told me to go to a and e. I didn’t feel desperate enough to be doing a and e. That seemed so dramatic. And how do I tell my loved ones who I am trying to be brace to that I need to go to a and e? I didn’t go. Saturday I still felt crap – not quite as bad as Friday but still bad. I called and spoke to someone in the mental health department. I ended up going to a and e that day. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. They spoke to me and listened to me. They asked me more questions in the few hours I was there than anyone has asked me in the past almost three months. I felt like they really wanted to get to know me. They insisted that they would get my doctor to see my asap and inform my worker that she needs to support me more. They’ve suggested that my medication is changed.
Today is Sunday. The doctor is meant to call me tomorrow. For now, I wait…