Trying to be ‘normal’ 

It’s really hard to write a post about being mental when you’re trying so hard to be normal! I had a bad couple of weeks. I can honestly say that at times I truly did not want to be on this planet. I’m feeling better now. 

After a fight to see the doctor he finally changed my tablets and I really am starting to feel better which is great! The doctor still has no clue who I am and I had a call to ask why I didn’t turn up to my appointment. The same appointment that the doctor changed my tablets and gave me a letter to take to my go. I had proof that I’d been. They just have no idea who I am. It’s hard because I have to trust these people with my brain – my thoughts, my processes. Scary when they can’t remember seeing you. Anyway – I’m getting over that now! 

So, I’ve bought a motorbike and a new car. When I say new, it’s old lol but hey it’s new for me! I’m sure this is a mood disorder problem of mine. I have had about 20 cats in ten years – I go through stages of wanting speed then wanting sensible. Anyway, I’ve given up my 2.4 Audi for a sensible 1.6 sport ka! Bit different I know. I tried not to change my car even though I was itching too because I am sure that this is part of my ‘problem’ then I figured that I’m not hurting anyone by doing it and it’ll make me feel better, if only for a couple of hours! And it has! Maybe even a couple of days!! 

So, I don’t know what’s going on with me at the minute. I’m still waiting to find out about therapy and stuff, about three months on, we shall see what they come up with! 


Too down to post…

I haven’t posted for a good few days now… why? I just didn’t feel I was able to without posting the most depressing stuff! I had my psycho docs appointment on Wednesday. It didn’t go too well. The lady who is normal with the doc wasn’t there and to be honest the doctor didn’t seem to have a clue who I was. It felt like I’d waited about six weeks for nothing. I thought I’d get some more answers – no – nothing. 

I called the lady I usually speak to the next day. I don’t know what she is. I think she’s my support worker or something – no one explains this stuff very clearly. Anyway, I explained to her that my racing thoughts were back and Ive never felt as down as I have since being on these silly tablets. She was going to speak to the doctor and call me back. No call back. I tried to call – nhs systems were down, I didn’t speak to her. 

Friday evening I called 111 – they told me to go to a and e. I didn’t feel desperate enough to be doing a and e. That seemed so dramatic. And how do I tell my loved ones who I am trying to be brace to that I need to go to a and e? I didn’t go. Saturday I still felt crap – not quite as bad as Friday but still bad. I called and spoke to someone in the mental health department. I ended up going to a and e that day. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. They spoke to me and listened to me. They asked me more questions in the few hours I was there than anyone has asked me in the past almost three months. I felt like they really wanted to get to know me. They insisted that they would get my doctor to see my asap and inform my worker that she needs to support me more. They’ve suggested that my medication is changed. 

Today is Sunday. The doctor is meant to call me tomorrow. For now, I wait…


What caused my manic episode? 

Ok, so I’ve read a lot about what can trigger episodes in bipolar, be it manic or depression. I have tried to go over the past 11-12 years, really thinking about when I have had an episode and what may have caused it. The first one is simple, my dad died. That’s an obvious thing that seems to have triggered this whole bipolar being! Then it gets patchy. I can see that another time was when I had a very tough time at work, that’s what I can put it down to. The others, I just don’t know and most importantly, this latest one, the mother of all manic episodes which caused me to turn my life upside down. I have no idea what set it off. 

I had just moved house. I wonder if this could be it. I have moved house lots of times, then I try to think if I had episodes at those times. I just don’t know. I was stressed at work – now I know this could be one. I wasn’t that stressed though, was I? One thing I read was that smell can affect you. I started wearing a new perfume around this time – strange but true – could it be that? I try to think what it could be and really I don’t know. Did I just feel so fed up and unloved – not that that’s fair to say because that absolutely wasn’t the case but did my bipolar get the better of me and thought this but instead of dooming into depression I decided to go manic and run away from life? I so wish I knew, but I don’t. All I know is that from now on I have to speak up and say if something’s bothering me and I have to try to avoid being too stressed – easy to say! 

I say I’ve moved a few times, that’s a little trait of mine – I seem to like to move. I don’t know why. Another little trait of mine is buying new cars. When I say new cars, they’re old ones lol but I seem to get a new one every six months or so. This last one I’ve had about a yer and it’s almost a record for me! These things, I don’t know if they’re me or if they’re my bipolar. The fact that I don’t crave a new car at the minute – is that because I like my car or because I’m on tablets to stop me wanting new cars?! I also go from small engines to save petrol to big engines cause I have a need for speed. I wonder whether these times and some sort of mania or hypermania wanting the speed? I just don’t know. 

As you can see, I question a lot. Not in an anxious obsessive way, just because I never want to be that person again so I try to understand myself and my mental health in order to control that. Hopefully I will work out past episodes and the how and the why’s in time. Maybe therapy will help. I shall see…


Less than a week till I see the doc!

So, it’s less than a week till I next see the psycho docs. I wonder what they’ll have in store for me. It’s at this appointment that they will set into place what therapy I need and hopefully give me a firmer diagnosis of what type of bipolar I have. I presume it’s type one having done my research but hey I’m not a doctor so I shall see. I’d like for a lesser diagnosis – I don’t really know why though. Either way, I’m crazy and I need meds to keep me sane, so what does it really matter? 

I’m rather nervous about my next appointment. I feel like I have been a thousand people since my last one. I’ve been calm, I’ve been severely depressed and I’ve been kind of normal me. I still don’t know if me feeling normal is good. I secretly hope that they’ll get me back to that calm stage where I felt a little number. Life was a lot easier back in that phase. The funniest thing is I don’t normally change personality so flippantly really, but these meds seem to make me more of a flipper! I can be happy then instantly depressed – it’s crazy. I’m not so irritable really but I do still get a little anxious and I still feel more down than my normal self. I wonder what they’ll say about that??

Well, less than a week to go – hopefully it’ll be good news – not that I’m sure there is any good news that can come from this. We shall see! 


Forgetfulness and Bipolar

How common with bipolar is it to forget things? This is what I have been asking google lately! Less than a week ago I walked out of my house and completely forgot to pick up my keys which I needed to get into my car and also back into my house upon my return. In the whole time I’ve owned a set of keys (probably about 16-17 years), I have never ever done this. After much chaos and help from my favourite people, I managed to get back in to get them. 

The same day I was driving home knowing that I needed to get petrol. Next thing I knew, I had driven straight past the petrol station, was on a busy A road and ran out of petrol. Now this isn’t something that is completely out of the ordinary to me. There have been numerous occasions in the past where I have run out of petrol, mainly because I didn’t have the money and just crossed my fingers that I’d make it! I’m yet to know whether that’s the bipolar in me or just me! Anyway, this time was different. I had the money for the petrol, I had the intention of getting the petrol, I just simply… forgot. After the key issue that morning and now this, I was finding this was a bit strange. 

So, let’s get to three days later. I went into town to do a bit of shopping with my daughter. As I was walking back up towards the car I realised – I had no car keys. After re tracking my steps and getting hot and flustered, I retrieved my keys from the first shop I had gone into. I didn’t have a bag that day, just my keys and purse in my hand – not an unusual thing for me, bags annoy me sometimes! In all the time I’ve owned keys, I’ve again never done this, not even after a few drinks! 

So, I am genuinely quite concerned now. I feel like I’m forgetting to do the most simple of tasks. Things that people remember without thinking about. Apparently it’s quite common. I’ll talk to the psycho docs about it next week. Until then….


I told someone…

Today I actually told someone, other than close family and friends…. I have been diagnosed with bipolar. I didn’t think I was ready to tell anyone but yesterday I couldn’t not. I thought I’d be scared after but to be honest I felt open. I felt like I’d let out my dirty little secret and it was a weight off of my shoulders. Ok it was only one person but at least I know that person knows now. It was just a nice normal (no pun intended) conversation too. She asked a question and my mental health was the only way to answer, so instead of panicking, I just explained. Then the conversation moved onto something else as normal as any other conversation. I feel so relieved. Don’t get me wrong, she may have walked off and thought ‘oh no, she’s mental’ but I don’t think that’s the case. Another one of those – time will tell! 

I’m still not ready to blurt it out to the world but I’m glad I told one person 🙂 


Feeling normal (ish)

I think I’m feeling normal. I question what normal is a lot nowadays but at the moment I think I’m feeling normal. There’s definitely a depressed side of me shining through now and again but for the majority of the time I feel normal…ish. I presume this means my tablets are kind of working. I wonder whether different tablets or a different strength would take the depressed side away too – that would be good but I would also be scared to change my tablets if I was told to in case I felt worse. This is better than I have been lately. 

When I got my diagnoses, almost two months ago, I really forced myself to think of it as the chemicals in my brain not being quite right and the tablets will sort that problem. Just like taking my asthma pump helps me breathe. The thing is, recently I have started to really realise that taking tablets for mental health issues really is very very different to most illnesses. I am taking these tablets to make me more normal but there is the fear that they will then take away parts of my personality. I have always been a little crazy, a little different to most people. I like that most of the time and I worry that I will lose that in time when my medication is fully working. I wonder if I will. 

My mum told me she thought I had bipolar when I was about 19. I dismissed her, I didn’t want to believe there was anything wrong with me. Looking back, I wonder what sort of person I would be now had I got that diagnosis back then. I wonder if decisions I have made would have been the same or whether I would have ended up being a totally different person. In the same way, I wonder what I will be in a few years time. Will I still be me or will I be a dull, boring person that is zombified by tablets through fear of going off the rails. I wonder a lot of things, this I wonder a lot though. Who will I be? Will I react differently to things, will it be better or worse, who knows?

So, for now I will enjoy feeling normal ish and carry on as I am doing…