When you meet old friends and they say ‘what have you been up to’, what do you say? I saw a picture that an old friend put on Facebook today – it was of three dogs running along and in the comments she had commented to someone about how they should take the dogs out for a walk together one day. I giggled to myself and went to comment to say ‘cor you’re getting old’! Only in a joking way! I didn’t. Not because I was worried of her reaction, she would have laughed. I was worried all that she’d ask how I’d been and what I’d been up to. I thought about it for a while. Oh, why you’ve been getting old, I’ve been going crazy! Is that right! No that’s not right because I’ve been crazy since the day I met her, it’s just I have recently been diagnosed as being officially crazy. That’s the difference.
The picture that we see so often stating ‘I’m still the same person I was before you knew I was crazy’, most people would show to their loved ones, old friends, colleagues. Me, I say it to myself each day. I have to remind myself that I’m not just crazy. I’m still me, just with medication to take away my bad bits now. I am still the same person I have been all my adult life, I just have help to make me a little better now. When I get upset and wonder, ‘why me’? I remind myself that I’m no different to what I was a year ago, or ten years ago. I just have a diagnosis now – sort of, I still don’t know quite how mental I am, that’s still being analysed!
Anyway, I didn’t comment through fear of not knowing how to answer a simple question. Hopefully one day I won’t be scared to comment. She knows I’m crazy anyway, I always have been!
I used to wonder why people would not take their tablets. If they know that they will make them better, why would they not take them? I think I get it a little now.
Yesterday I was having a bad day – everything went wrong to be quite frank. At about 10am I was in a complete state, blaming myself for everything and feeling completely useless. I realised at some point during the morning that I hadn’t taken my tablet. I wondered if I would feel better if I took it. I didn’t take it for about another hour. Partly because I didn’t want to believe I had to take this stupid tablet in order to feel better and partly because I didn’t want to feel better. I felt crap, I deserved to feel crap, my life is a mess and it’s all my fault. That’s how I felt. I felt like I didn’t deserve to just be able to take a tablet to make myself feel better. I had put myself in this situation so I should take responsibility and be miserable. I shouldn’t be able to take a tablet to numb the pain. I took the tablet.
This morning I had quite the opposite feeling. Same sort of time of day, I was feeling quite ok. I didn’t want to take my tablet because I felt ok – I felt, that was the main thing. I find the tablets numb me sometimes and I liked feeling something a little more. I took the tablet.
I took the tablet both days but I get why people wouldn’t and I realise how important it is to make sure that someone is checking that I take them because if my brain put it to me much more I may not have taken the tablets… scary head!
So, all I want is to feel normal. I’ve been feeling almost like normal Me for a few days now. A little down, but at least I’m feeling. I forgot to do my mood chart for a few days – I tried to forgot that I have a mental illness really. So, if I have felt so normal, why do I feel so so scared. I’m scared because I don’t know if I’m meant to feel like this or if this means the tablets aren’t working and I am at risk of, well at risk of being bipolar me. Why do I have to be scared of being the me I have always known :(.
I felt really calm and empty. Now I am sitting here with feelings, I look back, not necessarily liking that feeling. I almost lost my personality. I didn’t dislike the feeling whilst I was feeling it though, I quite liked it. Why am I so scared to feel. I don’t understand if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Part of me doesn’t want to go back to feeling calm and empty, yet it felt safe and part of me wants it back so so badly. How do I know if this is how I am meant to feel. I don’t understand it all. It goes back to the time thing I suppose, give it time…
Ok, so today I went on the first day of a two day course – Well done me! I’ve been rather anxious in the lead up to it but I made it and wasn’t too anxious during it which is always a good sign! The bit that was a bit nerve wracking or more it took my mind off what I was meant to be doing, was the introduction. For the first ten minutes I was hating it. That dreaded introduction – name, where you’re from, relevant industry experience….. and something interesting about… me.
Now, bear in mind, it has only been about a month since I have found out that I actually really do have mental health issues. I now take mood stabilisers or antipsychotics and antidepressants each day and I actually have my own psycho doc. Just over a month ago, I would have been a totally different person sitting in that seat. Six months ago, a different person still. I have lots of interesting facts, I have done lots of things. This morning, sitting on that chair as it came to my turn, all I could think was ‘and I am officially mental, I have a psychiatrist, I’m a wreck and you all think I’m normal’! Did that come out? Luckily not, I managed a simple ‘and there’s not really anything interesting about me’. They probably thought I was so boring, little did they know!!
So, I have been going to bed so early (for me) and still waking completely shattered. I am presuming that it’s the tablets – would it be the tablets? Who knows?! It seems to take me a good half hour to wake up properly, it’s horrible being so so tired after so much sleep. I presume that as the tablets get into my system more I won’t be so tired – we shall see.
I have still been feeling rather empty. I’m not sure whether it’s a good or a bad thing, this numb empty feeling. I am riding it out and I shall see if I feel any more soon. Time will tell and all that jazz! I still have another couple of weeks until my next doctors appointment – it seems so far away. I wonder what they will say.
So basically my mind is very tired and very busy yet I still feel rather empty and numb. Hopefully it’ll get a little better soon…
I can’t be certain of it, after all, as I have previously explained, I don’t get my mood chart at all! But hey, I hit a +1 on the scale today, that’s got to be good isn’t it! I don’t know, I don’t know whether it’s bad cause it means I’m heading into something else. Am I meant to be normal all the time? No ones normal all the time are they? It’s all so so confusing.
Time is a healer, give it time etc. There’s a lot of that being said at the minute. For my head I am learning that time does help. The more time tjat has been since that first doctors appointment, the more I can forget, even if just for a few minutes, that I’m mental! I was kind of normal this morning, doing normal ME stuff and it wasn’t until about 9am that I remembered that I was mental. Might sounds strange to you but that felt nice to me! I can see how people with bipolar think that can get by without meds etc, cause you start to feel normal and you forget that you’re mental. Reality would soon hit when you have to take another pill to keep you stable or you have to fill in how you feel today, how much sleep you got etc etc. I know that parts not forever, just getting a bit annoyed with it now!
So, I hit a high and time is helping…. what’s next I wonder?!
This is what I spent a lot of yesterday thinking. The real me is definitely a girl that is ruled by her heart. I don’t use my head, I follow my heart. Some people may think that’s wrong, I think it’s nice, it’s better and I love the fact that I’m like it.
The problem I have is that my head is messed up and it seems that unfortunately my head can over rule my heart when I am having episodes. That is a horrible thought. I’m not even sure my head wins, my usual head wouldn’t do the things I did, my messed up head seems to rule my life when it wants to. I don’t like that. It’s like it takes over me, it deletes me and my personality and my whole being and I become something I would never want to be, someone I detest and someone that I would hate. That’s an awful feeling. Knowing that my messed up head has so much power over me is so hurtful and so so scary. So I take another pill in desperate hope that if I keep taking these pills I will never become that monster again. I trust those around me and beg them to watch me, not just today, not just for this week, not even just this year but for the whole of my life. To watch me, to assess me, to make sure I don’t turn again. That’s a lot of responsibility and a lot to ask from people. Unfortunately, being close to me now means that is what is needed from these people. How horrible for them. I don’t like putting pressure on people, I don’t like asking for things, I don’t like it at all. Yet I have to ask these things from them to make me a better person. This way my heart can lead my life, I like that idea…